FDA, Security Guards, France

The FDA admitted an error today in fast approval of a knee implant.  Called a Menaflex Collagen Scaffold,  it was criticized due to its offering no benefit over existing treatments. Producers of the implant argued not true, if you have one you get to things like say, “It’s going to rain, I can feel it in my Menaflex Collagen Scaffold”. Producers also argued, “Robocop would totally have one.”

A security guard was fired from a North Carolina shopping mall for asking a lesbian couple to leave for kissing and hugging. The incident spurned updated sensitivity training for the rest of the security staff, many disappointed however when they realized, “sensitivity training” doesn’t mean “videos of lesbians making out”.

A proposed increase in France’s retirement age has spurned airline strikes crippling the country’s tourism department. French government fears this could have a negative impact on France’s image on the world stage. The rest of the world however has said, “Nope, whatever happens, France will always be the benchmark for douche-baggery and girls I can only get after I’m successful”

Chile Mine Rescue, Walking, Syncing

The Chile mine rescue just took its place in the world’s top 5 mine rescues at #5. The #1 rescue happened in 2002, Pennsylvania; someone wanted to build a mine and someone else said, “Let’s not”.

A new report shows walking may stop brain shrinkage in the elderly. The research was amassed by US neurologists who monitored 300 elderly volunteers over 13 years.  The neurologists are all pleased with their results but are also saying, “If I have to watch another old person walk around, I’m gonna punch a bitch.”

Microsoft has announced upcoming software that allows their new Windows 7 phone to sync with Apple computers. Microsoft is still working out one kink though – when attempting to sync, Macs refuse, then print a page that says, “Get it away. Gross.”

Virgin Galactic, French Rap

Virgin is calling its new commercial space-flight division Virgin Galactic. Given we’re all limited to orbital flight, isn’t “galactic” a little grandiose? When asked, a Virgin rep said, “Absolutely not, now if you’ll excuse me, Virgin Jungle is about to unveil a potted plant.”

370 people have put deposits down for their trip on Virgin’s VSS Enterprise, tickets costing 200K each. Civilians will undergo three days of prep including medical checks and g-force acclimation. Also included, training dinners where you practice not mentioning your douche bag space trip.

I heard some French rap yesterday. It still felt like someone was beating me with a lavender blossom. The more hardcore it got, the more I wanted to understand cheese as an art form.

Flu Shots, Cyber Bullying, Chair

Good news for Canadians, just one flu shot is needed this year, as opposed to last year when swine flu demanded two. There’s also good news for Americans. Crippling stress from being unemployed with a mortgage means you won’t even notice your swine flu.

Let’s put an end to cyber bullying. If you see see a kid who looks mean, and is on a computer, try and get close to the computer and see if he’s actually writing something inappropriate, specifically to another person. Once confirmed, tell that person to STOP.

A Yale Engineering Professor has designed a chair that forces correct posture. If you deviate from an upright stance one of eight vibrating receptors activates until you correct yourself. It’s expected people will use it correctly at least 4 times before using it to orgasm.

Sex Survey, Toshiba, California

A survey was released stating women are faking orgasms more than ever before. Researchers say it reveals a lack of communication between partners. Specifically, not enough women telling men, “Just stay in the corner and keep telling me I’m hotter than my friends.”

Toshiba has launched what it claims are the first 3D television sets that do not require special glasses. They do require however a tree appearing closer than usual be more fascinating to you than good writing.

Budget cuts to California’s state colleges have forced many students to be wait-listed, effectively delaying their entry into the workforce. California state government is over-funding however any student who promises they’ll use their degree to further cut the education budget.

Mexico

The mayor of Morella, Mexico was found stoned to death Monday, the fifth city leader to be slain in Mexico since mid-August. Attorney General Jesus Montejano said, “Police are trying to determine a possible motive.” After several seconds he burst out laughing then said, “Ok it’s rampant drug crime but that’s the LONGEST I’ve ever behaved as if there were other kinds of motives here.”

Tom Waits, Intel, Religion

Tom Waits was recently announced as a nominee for the 2011 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Apparently he’s already practicing his acceptance speech – burning a wilted rose over a secret diary of smoldering regret. Then making us hate sunshine.

Intel takes a huge leap forward with its new Core i7 900-series processor. Highlights include a new triple-channel memory controller, a QuickPath Interconnect system, and the return of hyper-threading, splitting the chip’s four physical cores into eight virtual cores for increased system performance. With everyone in America now living in tent colonies and hunting for food, many look forward to using the chip as an effective tool for scrapping beans onto their dirty, rusted over forks. Or a shiny trinket that could be bartered for more beans.

In a survey released Tuesday, American revealed they are increasingly ignorant about their own religions. When asked, 50% of Protestants did not know Martin Luther sparked the reformation, 45% of Roman Catholics didn’t know the bread used in Communion is meant to become the body of Christ, and 100% of Scientologists had absolutely no idea their religion is spooky and weird.